Tuesday, January 6, 2015

On Having Children(Someday)

I know I haven't taken the time to list them here yet, but one of my 2015 goals is to be more Spiritual. As a child of God, I haven't spent enough time in His word and that makes me feel ashamed. I have to determined to carve out some time in the mornings to spend reflecting on a chapter, a passage, or evn just a verse. Because having children is on my mind lately, I've chosen Psalm 127:3-5 which says:

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Growing up watching my mom take care of children, I knew I wanted to be just like her. Loving, kind, and warm all describe how she made and still makes me feel. Having kids was always a given for me. That is, until I actually grew up and knew what it was like to take care of yourself. Sometimes I wonder if we are responsible enough to raise a child; we both still feel so very young and we enjoy having time to ourselves to be selfish and do whatever we want to do. Many of our friends are having children and the older I get, the more pressure I feel to not 'run out of time.' Insert slightly inappropriate quote from my favorite show ever, New Girl:

What if all that's left are the weird eggs and the evil eggs? I can feel them, they're turning. They watched their brothers and sisters die and now they want to be birthed. I need to be fertilized!

Kidding aside, the Bible says that children are a true blessing and reward to those that have them. My biggest fear is that we will get pregnant and not have the means to take care of him or her. My mom has always told me that 'if people waited until they could afford children, no one would ever have them.' I hear that and I believe that, but anyone who knows me well knows that I am a worrier and a planner. If I don't have an exact plan for taking care of my child, my world will come to end(at least it will feel like it). Babies aren't like super expensive shoes that you can regret and take back to the store for a refund, they are with you forever. And while I would like the company now and then, it scares me to think that I will hold another person's life in my hands. I will shape them, mold them, and hopefully help them become something great. This must be what God feels like every time He creates, nervously waiting for the outcome even though He already knows.

I don't think I will ever get over my fear of having children; I know my mother still worries every day despite the fact that we are all grown-ups now. Fear comes with the territory. But with the fear, comes the joy. The last sentence of the passage says 'He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.' I don't know about you, but to me that verse is describing a Proud Father. He has beautiful, loving, obedient children that he is blessed to brag about in front of everyone, even people he may not like as much. Children are a glory to their parents and though I am afraid, it is the fear that will help me to try my very best to raise them well. Hopefully, one day soon, I will be making some blessings of my own! (And yes, that precious little person down there is me!)

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