Tuesday, April 15, 2014

So Much on My Mind

My worrying heart is plaguing me. I feel as though I'm spiraling down deep chasm of fear, doubt, and regret. I hesitate to write about it here because most blogs are filled with the happy times: pictures of trips, new recipes, and good news. However, there is the other side of the coin; life gives us ups and downs and they are real, and honest, and should be shared because everything is not sunshine and rainbows.

I suppose in the grand scheme of things, my worries are small--but they are important to me and I'm praying that writing them down will help me see that it's only a list. A list to be checked off one-by-one and I will be fine.

Our future is so uncertain at this point. Anyone who really knows me well can tell you that having no concrete plan is akin to an unexpected tornado in my mind. There are a couple of things we do know: May 31st we get in the car and drive to Texas. June 6th we head to Virginia for camp. Once we get from camp, the plans are up in the air. No permanent dwelling and no tangible jobs. 

Thankfully, I have very loving and supportive parents because we'll be staying with them until we can get on our feet again. Joshua wants to take the Fire Fighter exam when it rolls around again but we don't even know when that will be or how many spots will be open in the department. My most current plans are to apply to Grad school and get back started on my Master's in Reading. I'm terrified that no one will hire me for this year though because it's been so long since I've taught and that was just student teaching. I probably wouldn't hire me either but maybe with this Master's I'll have a better chance. In the mean time, I guess I'll substitute teach to get me back in the classroom and also in with a few districts for when I finish my degree. 

In the mean time, we have a lot of packing to do and we have a lot of plans to make for camp. Each evening I start off with the best intentions to get things done, but I find that I just sit on the couch and watch too much television or spend too long on pinterest with pins that will likely never happen. My existence is so unfulfilled that the exciting parts just can't keep up with the lows. 

We need a new start for sure, but getting there is the most terrifying experience. I am praying daily for sanity, clarity, and direction. My trust in God's plan waivers constantly and I need to have faith that the other side is better....

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